Oh yes, I know the difference between afternoon and high tea. I know the correct ordering of a three tier platter (sandwiches, scones, petit fours). I have thrown many delightful and intimate champagne teas in my own gracious drawing room over the years. As for advice on how you too can create a lovely afternoon tea experience, here are my tips: (a) get some good leaf tea and learn how to make it well, (b) make yourself a good selection of sandwiches, (c) scones are hard to make well and require practice - I make mine by using cream and lemonade rather than milk or butter, (d) if in doubt, open some champagne and this will help you and thus your guests relax. This book and this book have some good tea sandwich ideas.
But I digress. Even more importantly than my own tea triumphs, I have studied extensively the presentation and delivery of afternoon teas at venues all over the world and I think I know what does and does not make a good afternoon tea. So much so that I am toying with the idea of writing a book on the subject, to expose all of those over-priced stuffy hotels that are ripping off ignorant people that know no better by charging them through the nose for inadequate afternoon tea ceremonies (Sofitel Melbourne is the major culprit in this category - my recent afternoon tea experience there was a dreadfully over-priced affair with uppity service by snobby and self-congratulatory staff who assumed all of their customers knew no better).
For now, I shall share with you a few of my more positive afternoon tea experiences and give them a rating out of 10 on the Scott Scale of Overall Afternoon Tea Experience, with 10 being equivalent to the sort of tea you could expect if you were invited to one of my little drawing room teas and 1 being something like the Sofitel Melbourne. There are three major criteria: 1, the venue must be charming and attractive (it can be a modern or old-fashioned decor, a library or a conservatory, that detail matters not as much as does the fact that whatever it is, you feel inclined to linger there); 2, there must be a good selection of leaf teas available - tea bags are NEVER acceptable - and ideally a little pot of hot water ought to be served alongside the china tea pot so individuals can lighten the tea to their own taste as required; 3, the chairs and tables must be comfortable but above all they must be conducive to elegant eating. This means upright chairs and high tables, not absurdly deep sofas and ridiculously low coffee tables. Oh yes, of course there is a fourth criterion: the food must be up to par, and all must be presented in little dainty bite sizes, not stupidly oversized chunks.
So, number one on my list with 9 out of 10 is the Peninsula in Hong Kong - the world's most perfect scones, a lively yet elegant room, comfortable chairs and delicious sandwiches. Not to mention perfect service. It only misses a 10 because it is always so busy and the queues of hoi polloi waiting for a table is rather off putting. So here is my tip: don't look for a table until about 5.30pm and make an early dinner of it. It was 2004 when I stayed at the Pen and enjoyed this lovely afternoon tea, but it is still seared into my memory as an almost perfect tea experience.
Number two on my list, with an impressive 8 out of 10, is Lovejoy's in the Noe Valley district of San Francisco, which was a total surprise find during my recent California trip. This tiny little venue has friendly service, a cutesy antiquey sort of interior and really very good sandwiches. It was one of only two decent pots of tea I had in America (the other was at the famed Fairmont Hotel, sort of San Francisco's answer to the Peninsula; I found its Laurel Court tea room pleasant, service attentive and food quite good, but it lost some points for a total lack of natural light and far too many loud children on the afternoon I was there; I did also consider taking tea at the Palace Hotel, which has a beautiful winter garden, but chose to go to Lovejoy's instead and really enjoyed the friendly, cosy intimacy of Lovejoy's so it was a good choice I think).
Number three is a tie between the Ritz-Carlton in Singapore, which gets 7 out of 10 for a cavernous conservatory sort of room, attentive service and creative petit fours, and the Langham Place in Hong Kong which also gets 7 out of 10 for its creative choice between an English or Asian style afternoon tea and pleasant balcony room overlooking the hotel foyer.
Number five is the Sheridan on the Park in Sydney which gets 6 and a half out of 10 for its small little gallery/library sort of room and a menu which includes an interesting selection of savouries that you can mix and match to make your own tea menu from at a reasonable price.
Number six on the list is a bit of a sentimental favourite: the Park Hyatt in Canberra. It's not really a formal sort of tea; in fact, it's a self-serve buffet, and the sandwiches are really nothing great to be honest. But the room is totally delightful: it is in the centre of this historic hotel building which is based on Frank Lloyd Wright's now destroyed Imperial Hotel in Japan, and is bathed in natural light and has restful garden views on both sides from its terraces. It really is a relaxing venue, even though it's right in the middle of the hotel's hustle and bustle. It gets 6 out of 10.
Number seven is a tie. The Four Seasons Hong Kong has a nice room, attentive staff, good food, good choice of tea. But why oh why the view onto a freeway? There is a desperate need for some landscaping to improve the outlook of this otherwise charming room in this very impressive, modern hotel. They get a 5 and a half out of 10, which would have been higher if someone had thought about the view a bit more. The Mandarin Oriental in Hong Kong is as good as the Four Seasons, but it's a just bit too pricey and stuck on its own reputation, in my opinion.
Number nine is the Langham in Melbourne, which has a nightclub-feeling room and a good three tier platter with friendly staff but could enhance their tea selection. They get 4 out of 10, which is a bit harsh really but they have good scope to improve (unlike the Sofitel Melbourne, which sucks and is not even rated).
Rounding out the top ten is the Inter-Continental in Hong Kong. Average service, bland food, poor choice of tea - but truly an amazing view which does tend to compensate for a lot. They get 2 out of 10 for the view. Also, their chairs are not so comfortable.
This list not exhaustive of course - I have not been to any of the famous London hotels renowned for their afternoon teas, and I still have quite a few venues across Asia to visit yet. And of course, there are many teas here in Australia I have yet to sample and judge (the Windsor in Melbourne, the Observatory and Victoria Room in Sydney, and Palazzo Versace on the Gold Coast are notable ones I need to try out), but you can rest assured that not only will I visit these venues over time, but that I will critically and honestly assess them on the Scott Scale and duly report my findings right here. Henry James was quite correct in observing that few hours in the day are as civilised and agreeable as the one devoted to the ritual of afternoon tea, but life is far too short for poor teas.
