This is my most serious afternoon tea review to date. It concerns a Melbourne institution: afternoon tea at the Windsor Hotel, the last true remaining "grand" historical hotel in Australia (and in dire need of a serious cash injection and facelift - everything about this graceful old lady is faded, even if the bones are very good; the chair fabrics in the dining room in particular are quite grotty and ought to be replaced without haste). Today I took my first afternoon tea at the Windsor and admittedly my expectations were high, given its reputation. Those expectations were, while not quite shattered, certainly they were repudiated by the reality. My assessment: this is a hotel that is resting on the laurels of its reputation and history. On the Scott Scale, it earns only 4 out of 10, and that would have been even lower had it not been for the very high quality of the three tier stand presentation and in particular the pastries, which were easily the superior of any hotel pastries I have come across in Australia. Also, the staff were very polite and friendly.
So, if I liked the pastries so much and the food was so nicely presented (which it was, credit where it's due; also, I liked the white linen table cloths and napkins) and the service was fine, then just what, I hear you ask, was the problem?
First, there is the faded grandeur of the room, which badly needs tarting up, and those grotty chairs. Secondly, the sandwiches were very dull. Note the delicious looking sandwiches in interesting bread rolls in this photograph from their website and which I had been looking forward to were substituted, today at least, with some very bland, predictable (egg, salmon, cucmber) fingers on soft white Tip Top style bread possibly bought from the local no name supermarket. Thirdly, the scones were overly sweetened. Okay, sweet scones may be to some tastes. They are not to mine.
Fourthly, and this is by far the most serious problem in my opinion, is the rather shocking fact that the "tea" aspect of afternoon tea at the Windsor seems an afterthought. There is no selection of leaf teas. You do not even get your own tea pot. No, instead the staff walk around carrying huge pots of stewed tea ("Windsor Blend", apparently, and it is the same strong flavoured tea they serve with breakfast - I asked) and they pour it out to you one cup at a time. The tea tastes like the tea you would get on an airplane and is served in the same manner. When it is not being poured, the pots sit stewing on various hot plates at "stations" around the room, rather like filter coffee at large American diners. This utter disdain for the tea itself is unacceptable, particularly in an establishment claiming to do it better than most.
There is also the matter of the price. At $45 on weekdays, increasing to a totally unjustifiable $65 on weekends for what sounds like a rather over the top "indulgent buffet", this is one of the most expensive afternoon teas I've had in Australia or Asia. Yes, it includes one glass of house sparkling wine, but it is simply not worth the price given the overall quality of the experience, and certainly not given the poor attention to detail regarding the choice, quality and serving of tea.
The Windsor does not live up to its reputation. That said, my searingly honest and learned account of afternoon tea at the Windsor published in this obscure and little read blog will doubtlessly make not a shred of difference to the cash cow the Windsor has in its afternoon tea. On a weekday afternoon it was full, especially with women taking photographs of themselves and their food. Bookings are essential and I am sure that the hotel will continue to do very well for themselves out of this nice little earner they have got going. That is, until I do get around to opening my tea salon/champagne bar, and educating the masses about how good afternoon tea really can be!
